Dana Hirt’s Strategies for Confident, Intentional Parenting

In this episode of Speaking of Phenomenal, parent coach Dana Hirt shares insights on intentional parenting, the transition from traditional education, and navigating digital-age challenges. She explores the power of modeling values, prioritizing self-care, and preparing for the empty nest. Dana also highlights ways to avoid the comparison trap, empowering parents to lead with purpose and resilience.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Phenomenal Parenting
• 3:38 Understanding Core Values in Parenting
• 6:33 Navigating Parenting Challenges
• 9:36 The Journey of Intentional Parenting
• 12:24 Modeling Behavior and Technology Use
• 15:00 Preparing for the Empty Nest Phase
• 17:34 Self-Care and Parenting
• 20:33 Gratitude and the Comparison Game
• 29:56 Outro

Transcript

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (00:00.078)

Welcome to the Speaking of Phenomenal podcast, Dana. I'm so glad you're here. Well, I am thrilled to be here. Thanks for having me. And another shout out to the fantastic, phenomenal Cheryl for putting more people together. It sure makes a difference when someone in your life is like, you've got to meet so-and-so. And today it's you, Dana. Well, listen, Cheryl for sure is a connection maker and

grateful for the opportunity that she created for us. Let's start off with having yourself give the audience an introduction to the phenomenal you. The phenomenal me, it feels so big, but I agree with you. It's so important to kind of own that space. I'm Dana Hirt. I'm a parent coach. I started my own practice over a decade ago. And my goal is to empower parents wherever they are on the parenting journey to feel better, to

to really lead in their parenting with their core values and make decisions tethered to those values in a way that affirms them. And where did this inspiration and calling come from for you in particular? Well, I've been an educator from the beginning. I started in classrooms even when I was still in college, teaching at a local alternative high school. And I was always deeply invested in teaching and learning.

I've spent the bulk of my early career working with kids. And at some point along that journey, I had this aha moment where I realized that if to really change the system, you have to get to the people who are in charge of the system. And the people in charge of the system are the grownups. So I realized if I wanted to make a difference in families, it was really important to get to the parents.

And so that's when I really pivoted from working with kids to parent education and ultimately to parent coaching, which gives me a lot of freedom to work with parents, to help them understand their inherent strengths, their parenting styles, and let them, like I said, feel more empowered and confident on the journey. You mentioned a lot in the different readings I've looked up on you, intentional parenting. What is that defined by you?

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (02:14.27)

intentional parenting really was my phrase that I came up with to to get parents out of the reactive mindset because I think it's very normal that when we have children and we start our parenting journey that we tend to parent as we were parented either in a rejection of that right I had horrible parents so I'm going to do really different or I'm going to do exactly what my parents did and the reality is is that

That's a reactive way of parenting and intentional parenting means that we're taking the time to think about what do we care about? What do I want my child to look like at 18 when they launch into the world? What are the key values that are kind of inherent to the decisions I'm making that are going to shape that product and to make decisions that are thoughtful and intentional as opposed to.

reactive and not only reactive to our own parenting experience, but reactive to what our child's bringing to us. If we're always reacting to what the child's doing, their developmental milestones, their developmental challenges, it doesn't give us an opportunity to think about where we are going from here? Especially in the case of rejecting something that we experience as a younger person as being the child ourselves, how

does one coach parents to have that confidence or find new instincts to get beyond things that are in our head or what we think is something in a pattern maybe we can't break? Well, you certainly hit the crux of the focus of when I start working with a new client. The very beginning phases, I want to understand the strengths of the system. And that really is where you get the fuel. Because if you understand the strengths the system already has, whether it's

a parent who really understands how they are being reactive. I had this really difficult childhood and I know I don't want a parent like that, but I don't know different. Or a parent who is somebody who has a very clear sense of their own parenting style. I'm a very nurturing parent. I like to sit and play with my children, but I have a hard time setting limits. All of those things are strengths because knowing yourself is a strength.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (04:33.454)

if you have a parent whose self care is excellent, who really knows how to make sure that their tank is full and that they can be resilient in the face of the challenges of parenting. So the first part of my work is really to get to know the parent in front of me, to know the strengths of their system. And then the second phase is to know

What are the challenges? What are the obstacles in their way? And it might be something as simple as, my child does not sleep. It might be something about, you know, my child is going into high school and there's huge social challenges and they're now shut in their room and they're no longer talking to me. you understanding the strengths, understanding the challenges and then using those strengths to help them navigate the challenges so that they can feel

more in control, their home can feel like a happier, safer, healthier place.

thinking through what is it that is our own personal core value? How does one come up with that list and when it can feel really intimidating? Where are some beginning steps of soul searching, maybe even before you have children or obviously once they're here, I don't want to do this, I do want to do this. I find that one of the easiest ways is to say to people, what children do you know in your life? And it's so interesting how quickly people can say, well,

my cousin's kid is such a they're so entitled and t they want and you know, t get a sense of the thing like that they see in othe they do like that they s sometimes it's easier family and your own exper when you're what do you out there. And then somet for me to talk about my c of my core values when I

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (06:24.59)

was health and safety. An of course we all want our and we want to keep them is that if you think about in terms of decision making to your kid sure when the don't need to be in you know, just jump in the a short ride, you wouldn' that's fundamental health else hits you that that go

Fender Bender to a calamity So those are non negotiable made that decision, whether doing it or not, is that decision to your core va safety. So I try to help and think about what to practice. So health and sa a toddler in a car seat is holding hands in a parki

when you're going for reg easy. But health and saf there's a lot that comes from kids getting the driver's license safety play out into how y around access to the car? impact your decision to drink? You know, can t house? Can they drink out their friends drinking in are all decisions we have

Health and safety is a key value that plays into that. There's other values that play into that, right? Independence, self-reliance, a lot of other values, but we have to, we tease them out by starting with the basics. I think that thinking back to raising our four sons as well, all of those things come to play. And for each child, it's different because of how they react to different things, their motivations, their pressures from their peer group.

even if they're only a year or two apart in school, how wildly different it could be to each person. And how great would it be if one would just follow along, right? Because the first kids like the test case, right? That first child is your first 13 year old, your first 18 year old, your first everything and you're learning. And then you think, okay, I've got it. We've got a little bit of a rhythm. I'm starting to understand how this works. Like I figured out a way to talk to this child that is resonant.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (08:45.486)

to him or her. And then t along and you're like, I'm an experienced parent and like, you think that will work with me scrap it. And it's the s many Children you have bec even if they're

The reality is that kids are characterologically different and there are different social pressures and their friend group may be different. And so we as parents have to be constantly, you know, pivoting to be responsive to the needs that are in front of us. But if we have the core values understood, then it allows us to pivot more easily because we're not reinventing the wheel. We understand what we care about and then we're just adapting it to the reality of the child in front of us.

To your point about health and safety, thinking about parenting in digital age and beyond where we are, my goodness, where do we even begin with that topic? I mean, is it as simple as when you allow technology to be around your child? Or I'd love to know more from your perspective on that whole theme at any point that you want to jump in on it, because I know it's huge for everybody.

It is huge for everybody. And the reality is, this is the digital native generation, right? This is a, when I was raising my children, this was not a relevant question. There were no phones. The big technology was having the DVD player on a long plane flight. But today the parents are faced with different challenges because of the easy access of technology everywhere. mean, you see it. know I see it when you're at a restaurant or you're walking down the street, there's

little kids in strollers in their hands. So, k says that we should not b no ambivalence in the re we can delay access to a better, but it's all scre a lot of data that sugge not helpful for our kids p it puts a lot of pressure because the reality is, i

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (10:59.47)

whether you're working ins of the home, being a parent and there's a lot that yo time and technology can right? You can watch that you're having trouble and have the calm app. There' that can listen to. I e think about the bedtime e books and stuff for chi

with that transition to sleep with the quote turning off their brain, but it does become a very personal conversation in each household around how they how people view screens how they view technology and how to limit its use in a way that's protective because again there's no question that too much technology is damaging for children's emotional and and brain development, but the social emotional piece I think is really important and it's become.

there's more and more information about how dangerous it can be for children. It's a lot about having conversations with parents about what's appropriate if you're on the front end or how to change the rules if you've already kind of gone down a path and you realize this isn't working. And I, in my practice, we talk a lot, I talk a lot with parents about that powerful phrase, this isn't working.

and the opportunity to say, we're gonna try something different. And I think parents get really caught up in thinking that if you change your mind, it's a sign of weakness. But actually, I think when you say to your children, this isn't working, and then you can co-construct problem solving with them, that shows your strength as a parent, and that also models for your children that ability for themselves. So they get into a bad peer group, they have the opportunity to say, hey, this isn't working.

I don't like what my friends are doing. I need to be thinking about who else I could be hanging out with. Or this career path I've taken doesn't feel good to me. I need an opportunity to think about what I should be doing that will bring me more joy and satisfaction. So I think of those moments as being really powerful. And I often find myself in those conversations with parents around technology and around social media and around screens in general.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (13:23.702)

because they've already given the cell phone. They've already said download the app and they don't know how to come back from that decision. I love that phrase that this isn't working in the sense that it also offers ourselves as parents the ability to be kind to ourselves, right? It's not like it has to be this linear path. I mean, in this podcast, we talk frequently about how

the best journeys in life are the nonlinear ones and they all are. It's when we hold ourselves accountable to dot dot dot that things become so hard to come back from if something really falls off. But when it comes to that tech and how parents and children and young adults fell more into it during the pandemic, how can we transition our way out or away from it a little bit more?

Well, I think certainly the first step is what we do, right? What are we doing? How do we use technology? What are we modeling for our children? You know, I find a lot of times when I ask parents to think about like the times that their children are the most dysregulated in the day, it will be around transitional moments when a parent comes home after a day of work, but they're still kind of on their phone, checking in their last thing with the office, finishing up something and they're not.

attentive and focused and present for their children. And then they say, my kids are just so dysregulated at the end of the day. And when I say, what were you doing? What are you doing in those moments? It will often be, well, I was just responding to a quick text or I just was finishing up a call or I just had to start the laundry. And it's about, you know, those moments of connection, you know, that when we're when we walk in the door that we are fully present.

you know, for our partner or whoever. People alway they love their dogs. It's up when you walk in the d tail and jumps up to lick to see you. But there's walk in the door, we are no you know, we are still ki from what we were just doi often coach parents spend in the garage in your car

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (15:39.328)

re-center, get ready for this next transition back, because now you're done being an employee, or you're done being the boss at work, or you're done doing the grocery shopping, and now you're going back into mom mode or dad mode, be present. So I think the first most important thing is how we're modeling that. And so we need to be able to put our phones down. We need to not always have the TV on in the background. We need to not

wake up and turn on the television or wake up and check our phones. So it's what we're modeling. And I think if we start with ourselves, it will also remind us of how good it feels to not be doing that. I mean, I have noticed, I set a limit on my screens on my app so that I would know when I'm on social media for a long time. And I'm shocked at how often it says you've reached your limit today. Because we just don't know, it's mindless.

You know, you can never get to the end. You just can scroll and scroll and scroll. So I think it starts with us because the more we learn about social media and technology for children, the more we the more we learn about what it means for all of our brains. And we're at the end of the day, it is going to be very difficult for us to effectively monitor everything our kids do because they're smarter than we are when it comes to technology. It's going to come down to how do we how do we model?

Right? What do we do and how do we mentor? And modeling is what we do and mentoring is how we talk about it. So when I say to my kids, no phones at dinner, and I'm going to be the first one to do that and put my phone away, I have to remind myself. And I jokingly said out loud to my kids, I need to remind myself, I'm not a transplant surgeon, right? No one's calling me because the kidneys here. There's none of that critical urgency to the phone that we.

that we have now connected. We all feel like we can't be without our phone. What if someone needs me? I grew up in a time where if someone needed me, they had to wait till they saw me at school the next day or, you know, hope that the phone wasn't busy when they called my home phone. But I think we all have a kind of a grandiose view of how important we all are and how much people need access to us. And I personally feel better when I'm not on my phone. And I remember that when I'm trying to model that for my family, for my family.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (18:00.162)

Going back to where you started at the beginning about intentional parenting and projecting not just where we are today, but where we want our 18 year old to be with the simple act of putting the phones down is a great start. So that as we approach empty nest of our children that maybe they're in a different position themselves with strengths and internal, what kind of advice do you have for parents that are kind of going towards that empty nest phase of life and

Is there a way to actually prepare for that? Yeah, there's, it's funny. I feel like my practice is split 50 % of people are like, get them out. Like they're so excited for this phase of their life for their own journey. So many people I know have had second careers launching projects that they're working on. And they're so excited for the opportunities that come with not having

their children at home and driving to soccer games and dance recitals etc. And some are just have so much their identity is about being a parent that it's hard to imagine what to do when the children are gone and I feel it both ways I've been there, know both experiences and the longing for our children like we've made these beautiful creatures and we miss them, you know my kids and I we always joke you know I love you love you more and I would say to my kids when they say that I'm like you can't love me more.

I have been a child and I have been a parent, I can unequivocally tell you the parent loves you more, right? There's just that, and it's normal and it's appropriate and it's good. When I talk to parents about this transition, now, going to the technology piece, it's also about how do we let our kids go? Because I think it's really important to help talk to the children about expectations before they launch.

You know, what is communication going to look like between us when you're at school? Because you don't want them to just go off to college and be like, or their job or wherever they land and never speak to them again. You know, so it's important to kind of talk about that before they leave. What are the expectations? You know, I would like to know that you're okay. Does that mean a quick text at the end of a night? Does that mean we talk once a week? Like talk about it and respect the child's, you know, ability to have that conversation with you.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (20:18.924)

And so that's part of it, is like communication. And by the way, that's true for when they come home for Thanksgiving break. know, talk about expectations. When I came home for Thanksgiving break when I was in college, all I wanted to do was see my friends. I was so annoyed that my mom thought she should spend time with me. And I look back and I think, my goodness, I was so selfish, but I wanted to reconnect to my friends. I had no interest in spending time with my mom. My goal was to be with my people.

And I think that as now when I launched my children and they came home, I wanted them to understand that I was going to give them lots of room to see their friends. And I wanted to make sure we had family time. And that I think is so important when we're talking about parenting. It's not, but it's and yes, and yes, you want to see your friends and I want to see you. Yes, you need your autonomy and freedom to explore all that college has to offer and.

I'm your mom and I miss you and I wanna know you're okay. And so I think that those are the kinds of conversations that we have to have with our children. And then when it comes to the empty nesting in terms of ourselves, that's our job, right? It's not our children's job to fill that space for us. That's about how we now think about this next chapter of our lives and the opportunity it presents. You hit on so many things I completely resonate with and

fully stand behind. I remember doing the exact same thing to my parents. Yes, I want you to see all your people, but it's really important that we get this opportunity to be together because we can is one of the mantras that we like to lean on at our house. No one has to, but we can, and we're given this gift or opportunity. And I would say with values, a core value is family time, right? So that it keeps getting, you know, spoken about and prioritized that

even as you build your lives apart from me, even as you have significant others and know, gosh willing one day grandchildren for me, you know how do we maintain that family time? How do we make sure that that stays central? Because those are such important bonds and it's also important that our children are connected to each other because you know one day they will be there in the world and we won't be. We won't be alive and we want them to have those connections to each other.

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (22:47.168)

having that dialogue is so vital. You hit on it also earlier. As we let them go, and this is now, it presents itself as an opportunity for us. So what do we do now that we're laid off from this position where it might not be easy to put ourselves first, because you can dive into, this is my role. It's so great that you use self-care. When I was getting my certification from the Parent Coaching Institute,

One of the first things we did was this whole exercise on self care. And I remember when I was starting my coursework, it was a very theory based rich dense curriculum. I thought, why are we talking about self care? But self care is so central. First of all, again, it's how we're modeling. We want our children to be taking care of themselves. So how do we model that for them? But it also is about how we keep our tanks full. The thing about putting on your own oxygen mask first, like that, is because if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not capable of taking care of others.

So I say all the time, we cannot take care of our children at the expense of ourselves. We have to first make sure that we are strong and resilient and ready for the storm that lies ahead because there's a lot of storms in parenting. There's gonna be a lot of fights that you're invited to. You don't have to attend everyone, but you're gonna be invited to a lot. And if you feel full and resilient and capable, you're up.

for it. But if you don't and you don't prioritize you, you make time and s person outside of being a have what it takes to do in front of you. And so It learn that on the journey to pivot to think, what do like in terms of me having about what I'm going to do

feeling bereft and abandoned and alone in that emptiness transition. And as our time comes to a close, I was thinking of a comparison game so strong at all levels, right? From toddlers to well beyond like, my kids have grandchildren now, blah, blah, blah. And everyone's going against this. When we get overwhelmed because it's natural that we will, what's a simple place to

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (25:09.378)

get ourselves out of that headspace of the comparison game? Well, first, I think it's important to acknowledge that that is so normal, right? That is something we all do. And social media doesn't help because this mom's, know, knitting her children's sweaters with the wool from the alpacas in her farm. And I just feel like a giant loser that I just ordered for dinner. So I think that that's a totally normal thing that we do. For me, I have tried to focus on gratitude.

You know, what are the things that are working in my house? How do things feel in my house? You know, and doing that lets me kind of put the noise of the outside away and focus on what I have in front of me and what I can be grateful for. For me, there was a really long time that it was an intentional practice of three things at the end of every day that I could be grateful for. And the other thing I did that I thought was really helpful was

I would write letters to my children. I wrote them to them every year on their birthday and I gave them to them when they turned 18. But I would sometimes go back and read those letters because they didn't get the book yet. But I would remember their journey. And again, it kind of helped me reorient myself to the job I was doing right here, right now, and not worrying about what somebody else was doing that felt better than what I was doing.

or different from what I'm doing. And I also think it's important to remember that all of what you're seeing out there is highly curated and you don't know what somebody else is dealing with in the privacy of their own home. So at the end of the day, I always talk about if you could throw everybody's bag of trouble in the center of the room and grab a bag, most of us are gonna grab our own bag because that it's trouble we understand and that is trouble we know how to manage and you don't know what's in somebody else's bag.

So it's easy to think everything looks great over there, but it's healthier to think about, you know, the gratitude for what we have and what's working. And also to then take that as an opportunity to say, when I focus on the gratitude about what is working, I feel buoyed up to try to focus and then address what I think isn't working. That idea is that we are going to grab our own bag for sure. And just

Amy Boyle (amyboylephoto) (27:25.688)

that reminder of going back and seeing how far you've come, right? Like anytime we can have that luxury to have given ourselves that moment to capture those thoughts so that there is progress and we can pat ourselves on the back for good things and we can cry over the things that we can't change and we can give our whole heart to the future. I know that parenting in general is a topic we'll definitely need to revisit.

How can people get in touch with you and all that good stuff that we'll link in the show notes. My website is DanaHurtParenting.com, I know, very creative and I offer free consultation calls. So people want to get an opportunity to hear a little bit more about how my practice runs and what, and learn about who I am and what kind of partnership we could have that could be effective. So that's really the best way I'm on Instagram. My handle is parentwclarity, parent with clarity.

But I think the best way is really if you're interested in feeling more empowered and confident in your parenting and finding grace for yourself as a parent, just reach out. Reach out via my website and set up a consultation call and I can learn more about what your needs are, share a little bit more about what I do and see if we're a good fit. I also can make referrals to other parent coaches. There's a lot of us doing this work. And the biggest piece of self-care is self-compassion. If I could wave a magic wand for all parents, it would be.

Show yourself some compassion, offer yourself the grace you offer those around you. That's beautiful. And I will make sure everything is listed in the show notes. And I thank you for your time today, Dana. It was great chatting with you. Likewise. I really appreciate the opportunity again. Thank you for joining us on this episode of Speaking of Phenomenal. Be sure to subscribe, rate, review, and even share the podcast, as well as stay tuned for more inspiring conversations.

Remember, each and every one of you is capable of extraordinary things. Until next time, take care and remember, you are phenomenal.